I don't think there will ever be a good time for me to write my ode to Simba. He died on Oct. 3, 2012 at around 9:30am. I will never forget that horrible day.
He was doing so well the last few months of his life. The swelling around his left eye had gone down significantly and he was pretty active. My fear was the tumor had moved further into his brain and that was why the swelling was down. My fear turned out to be reality.
It was a non eventful Tuesday night. Simba was laying on his twin bed in front of our king sized bed and he was getting ready for another night "sleeping with his mama" :) As soon as I would head for the stairs, he would hurry and follow me up knowing that we were going to bed. It had been months since he'd actually come up on our bed and sleep with us. I think it was just too hot for him but I missed feeling his big body laying up against mine. It was such a comfort having him next to me. I usually sit with him on his bed and pet him for a little bit before I jumped in bed. i can't remember if I really did that on this night. I read my book for a little bit, then put my ear plugs in and fell asleep. It had to be around 10 or 11pm.
The next thing I knew it was like 3 in the morning and I heard Brett yell Oh my God! and felt him jumped out of bed. I flew up and turned on the overhead light and jumped out of bed. What I saw was horrifying. Simba was gasping for breath, foaming at the mouth and seizing uncontrollably. Just seeing him like that and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it was heart breaking. I just stood there watching Brett hold him and I started to cry. I ran to get my cell phone and called the emergency vet. They were very calm and said that it should only last a few minutes and that he may be really out of it when it's done but if he doesn't stop seizing, we are to get him to the hospital. At that point we had no idea how long he had been seizing but he hadn't stopped since we got up.
We immediately decided we had to rush him to the hospital. The whole way there, Simba never stopped seizing. I was sitting in the backseat with him trying to comfort him. I couldn't believe he was still alive. The stress on his body had to be tremendous. His heart was racing. I'm not a doctor but from what I know about seizures, it's like frying your brain cells. I have no idea if Simba was even aware of what was happening. I just knew that this was not good for an animal to be continously seizing for almost 45 mins straight. Poor guy lost control of his bowels on the way there. That was the least of my worries.
The vet came out and helped us carry Simba inside. He ended up having to give him valium and propofol to stop him from seizing. He was essentially heavily sedated. After about 10 mins he said we could come back and see Simba. He was stable but breathing very hard. The vet said it is as if Simba had just run a marathon. His temperature was 107 (normal is 100-101) so they put cold towels and an ice pack on him to try and bring him body temperature down.
Brett and I sat with Simba for the next 3 hours. During that time, Simba had labored breathing and as soon as he would come out of sedation, he'd start seizing again. His back legs would tense and stick straight out. The vet continued to give him propofol to sedate him. Brett and I just cried our eyes out knowing that we might have to make the worse decision of our lives. We knew that if Simba can't stop seizing when the sedatives wore off, we couldn't see him suffer like that. Plus if he did come out of it, would he even be the same. Then we feared what if he had another seizure when we were at work. Neither of us could live with ourselves if we came home and found him suffering for God knows how long. We would NEVER let that happen.
The vet said he's seen situations like this and felt that it was possible that Simba could recover. He wanted us to take him to our local vet and have him evaluated. We did.
Around 8am, we transported Simba to our local vet. He was given more propofol to ensure he didn't come out of it on our way there. Our vet has taken care of Simba since he was a pup so we trusted his assessment. He said that given Simba's medical situation it wasn't a question of if he will have another seizure, it was when. There were of course anti seizure medicines we could give him but it would just be prolonging the inevitable. Again, I couldn't stop worrying what if it happened when I was at work. I wouldn't want to leave him alone for fear he could seize. It was at this point where Brett and I decided to euthanize Simba. We knew it was the right thing to do.
We did all the rationalizations: He had a long life (average age for a Golden is 10 years, Simba was going on 13), his tumor will continue to progress, he will have more seizures, his quality of life could be severely impaired. There was no question that this was the "right" thing to do but it was the hardest thing to HAVE to do.
Our vet was so compassionate. He said we could stay with Simba as he administers the drug. He gave us all the time we needed to say goodbye to Simba. Wow I knew I would not get through this without crying all over again. Brett and I held onto Simba and cried our eyes out some more. I don't think I have ever cried so hard anytime in my life. Simba was so heavily sedated that he was just laying there on the table. To see him so helpless was heart breaking. To know that in a few short minutes I will never see his panting face again was excruciating. To never see his beautiful when I come home, to never take him to the beach or for car rides. Just to not have him around to make my day was impossible to conceive. To this day I miss him with all my heart. But these were the thoughts going through my head as I held onto him for the last time. He was my baby. I knew him since he was 3 years old and I smothered him with love every day since then. He was such a sweet and beautiful dog. He made our lives so much happier just because he was ours. We knew this day would come and we dreaded it. But it had come and the final moment was upon us.
Neither one of us wanted to call the vet back in because we knew that would be it. We could have spent hours holding onto Simba in that office. But we called him in and he gave Simba another shot of propofol to ensure he was heavily sedated. Then he gave him the final shot and within seconds, Simba's heart stopped. It was so fast. That's when the finality of it all hit. Once again I cried my eyes out and held onto Simba. We stayed there for a little while longer before we finally left. Of course we had to pay our bill first.
I continued to cry on the way home and after we got home. Walking through the door without Simba and knowing we'd never see him again was surreal. I cried so much and so hard that day that I physically felt ill. The pressure in my head was unbearable plus I hadn't slept but it was hard to close my eyes and drift to sleep. I actually had to say the Hail Mary prayer over and over to get my mind to clear. Eventually I did fall asleep.
We still miss Simba every day. It's hard to believe he's not here anymore. It's so quiet in the house. I never realized how much I interacted with Simba. I was either singing to him, talking to him. petting him, feeding him. Now poor Gizmo is left alone. He doesn't elicit the same affections from me as Simba which I feel bad about. Small dogs just aren't the same. I love big dogs and always have.
We will get another golden. One day. We are in a debate on getting a puppy or an older dog. I want a puppy so I can raise it from the beginning but I know they are a lot of work and he'd have to be crated while we are at work. Brett doesn't like having to do that. I know there are a lot of rescue dogs we could get but you never know what they've been through. Who knows. I don't think we're ready for anything yet. There will never be another Simba. So happy we had as much time as we did with him. He will never be forgotten!!
